HIS WILL BE DONE - Journeying through a Failed Adoption

In 2012 I fell in love with a picture,

A picture of a little girl in another country.

I saw her and knew she was my daughter.

We jumped through hoops to be able to bring her home,

But she was in a non Hague country and kids aren't on hold there until you have the file in hand once you are in country.

Another family adopted her.

At one point or another,

I begged and I pleaded.

I didn't try to hide my devastation at all.

If we were facebook friends,

You walked the heartbreaking journey with us.

I was sure I would never feel whole again.

A giant gaping hole in my heart,

All because I fell in love with a picture,

I was the first to say that there is a HUGE difference between

His will

and

Human intervention.

As far as I was concerned,

Another person derailed my adoption,

It was the work of Satan that took the child we loved from us.

And then the family brought her home,

And oh my gosh does she look like her siblings,

And things were different.

She will always have a very special place in my heart,

But she is very clearly right where she belongs.

I can look back 18 months later,

And yes it really takes a long time to heal,

Even if it's just the loss of a picture you fell in love with,

And I have learned so much.

I realized that I gave one person way to much "credit" in the destruction/devastation that we suffered,

Because if it's God's will,

No other person can single handedly destroy it.

I will always struggle with the actions that led to our loss,

But I do fully believe,

That in then end,

HIS WILL WAS DONE.

My kids fit,

They are so perfectly ours

They are exactly what He prepared us for.

And the little girl in that picture in 2012

that we "knew" was ours,

She paved the way for it.

We had said only a child with Down Syndrome,

Only a boy,

Only a young child.

Because of my grief and heartache I took the leap to travel with a friend last summer,

Because of that leap, I met my son.

When I met my son, I began to heal.

When I began to heal I was able to see more clearly,

When she made it home to her family,

I was able to breathe again.

I was able to see what His Will looks like.

And it sucks,

And it hurts for a long time.

Falling in love with a picture is risky

And it can lead to a lifetime of heartache,

But 18 months later,

When that picture is home in their family,

And you continue on your journey

and are home with your treasure(s),

It will make sense,

I promise.

So to those who lost or are in process of losing a 'virtual hold',

Please just trust that it gets better,

And I know you won't,

Because people told me that and I said,

"No, you don't understand"

And I gave a million reasons why  it was inhumane to take the child that I fell in love with via picture.

And really in the end,

His will was done.

Because no matter how much control/credit you place on another person,

He is greater,

and if it's not in his plan,

It wouldn't be happening.

I promise,

It gets better.

You won't believe it right now,

Or even in 3, 6, or 9 months maybe,

But time heals all wounds,

and I promise that He is there and He has great plans for you,

Even when you don't really want to see them.

So grieve and be angry,

Sob uncontrollably,

Find a friend to lean on,

Because if I didn't have my friend,

I would not have been okay.

But it will get better.

The anger will linger,

The pictures will still make your heart race,

But one day you will wake up and it won't be because you thought you were suppose to be their mother,

It will be because that child shaped your journey,

Softened your heart,

And led you to where you were suppose to be.

You will be grateful.

One day.

*And now for my PSA*

Don't rush to replace the child you lost.

I have watched time and time again,

people jumping to fill that empty "slot",

And then those families come home and struggle a lot,

Because you should never adopt/have a child to fill a void,

No child can be replaced.

Do not rush to replace the child you are grieving,

It doesn't work out well.

Grieve first.

And if we ever adopted from that country,

We'd do a blind referral,

Because there is nothing healthy about falling in love with a picture when you have absolutely no legal claim to that child.

There are 153,000,000 orphans,

I can guarantee that His vision of Orphan Care did not involve families fighting over a select few.