She's not the same child

Exactly 2 months apart

She spent 10 1/2 years of her life in an orphanage. She spent 4 1/2 years photolisted. She had advocates. She had a commitment or two along the way that had to back out. In 2013 her medical was updated to suggest an Autism dx in addition to Down Syndrome. Her medical report said she had severe reflux and eczema. It said she at 10 years old had no purposeful play skills. That she couldn't walk up and down stairs. When I traveled in June to meet her, we were told she could eat and drink unassisted without issue. We were told she doesn't interact with others. We were told that she slept only a few hours per night. We were told she likes to hit herself right under her nose. My trip involved lots of cuddling and even more smiles from her. She loved swinging in a swing, being held, and going down the slide.

On pickup trip she was not that same child. There were very few smiles on that trip, lots of trauma and stimming. Lots of self aggression and bloody wounds on her face. Refusal to eat or drink. Having to force feed her to keep her hydrated at the very least. Realizing that she would eat if we left a bowl somewhere that she wasn't suppose to have it, then she would shovel it into her mouth, but keep it in her cheeks, swallow some and then throw it back up into her mouth.....It was a messy week. She wasn't cuddly, she didn't want to be held and loved on. She wanted to sit and hurt herself. It was a constant fight to keep her safe from herself. 13 days in a hotel with her was exhausting, but even more exhausting was the idea that we would be stuck on a plane for 10 hours over an ocean. We needed a miracle. Pickup trip was so very traumatic for her and it was just about the hardest thing I've ever done, she was not the child that I met 5 months prior.

Let me tell you about my daughter though,

Milena has been home 2 months and 1 week today. Malnutrition, Refeeding Syndrome, GI, Peds Surgery, OT, PT, Orthopedics, ENT, Pulmonologist, Cardiologist, Optometrist, Nutrition, Dietitian, Psychiatry, Psychology, A Complex Care team. I was in WAY over my head, nothing from first trip made me think we'd spend nearly a month in the hospital once home. I did not expect her to be my more complex kid of the two, I mean Elijah is from Pleven, I was prepared for hard and the unknowns with him, not her...

That first month sucked, it sucked horribly, I loved these little people dearly but swore that never again would we adopt.

Milena is not the same child she was when we got home, she's not the same child I picked up from the orphanage, and really she's not the same child that I met last June either.

Milena does have Down Syndrome. I do not think she is Autistic, I think she was severely sensory deprived for 10 years. Milena does not have reflux or eczema like her report stated. She does have purposeful play skills. She has great receptive language but is completely non verbal. She can now walk up and down a full flight of stairs completely unassisted. The biggest one though was being told that she doesn't interact/engage with others, and that is just so far from who my daughter is, she loves engaging with us and does so appropriately. She no longer tries to convince our 3 or 5 year old to hold her, not even our 6 or 9 year old, she knows to seek out mommy or daddy for that. She will "ask" them to play pat-a-cake or give high fives, she will laugh at them. She will come join me on the couch if she sees me sit down and will slowly inch herself into our laps as if she thinks she's being sly about it. She loves holding hands. The child adores music, if there is music somewhere, she'll find it! There were a couple weeks of very little sleep, even with prescription meds, but now we are up to about 8 1/2 hours of solid unmedicated sleep now. It is also very very rare that she tries to hurt herself now, if she starts hitting her face we know there is a major trigger somewhere in the room and can fix it and deescalate the situation fairly quickly. It is very rare that she grinds her teeth anymore and it's been over a month since she last caused her mouth to fill with blood from it. She doesn't really even flap toys anymore, nor does she prefer stuffed animals anymore. I noticed this week when I handed her a stuffed doll that it immediately sent her into a very escalated irritable stimming pattern, I really think that in her mind, that is what those toys are for and they were an object common from her past, so we've been playing with less and less soft toys and more stimulating alternatives. She's close to being fully potty trained, only a couple accidents this week and it was my fault.

Last month I told my husband that I felt like I didn't feel like a mom, that I felt that life was just a giant power struggle and I was just a referee. I felt like I was saying "Milena No" "Milena, Hands!" (She will take her hands down from her face)  or "Milena, teeth!" ALL.DAY.LONG. I was so stuck in a role of needing to keep her safe from herself that there was no gain in our personal relationship and it was very hard on me emotionally. Somewhere in the last month a switch flipped though because my girl loves to snuggle, she loves to be held and spun in circles, she loves to sit on my lap and I can feel her body fully relax, which I thought she'd never do. Conversation with strangers causes major anxiety, but anxiety now presents itself as not swallowing saliva, growning, and if we aren't attentive enough to her first few cues, will result in her hitting her knuckles on hard surfaces. There is peace in my daughters eyes that wasn't there a month ago.

The last two weeks I took her into Skyler and Sophie's room at church because I know they do a lot of worship and she loves music, she did so great and kept focused on the stage and what was going on, all while staying relaxed and just truly enjoying the music. I have like pregnancy high hormones because everything seems to make me weepy right now in regards to her miraculous transformation but Chris Tomlin's "Whom Shall I Fear" came on and Milena asked to be held and we just swayed and I sang and she rested her head on my shoulder, there was just so much to praise Him for and tears just silently flowed.