Dear Pre-adoptive Me,

I would like to tell you a few things.

Ignore the nay sayers.
Do not let anyone tell you that you are ruining your life or the lives of your biological children. Do not let anyone call you selfish. The battle you are about to walk will be harder than you had ever imagined in some ways, and just about the easiest transition you could have ever hoped for, it will blow you away how perfectly they both belong. Know that no matter the season, this too shall pass, whatever it may be. Don't go into it with expectations and I promise they will astound you daily with all the little things that will eventually amount to big things! Know that your biological children will grow through this experience and that they will not in any way suffer from your "selfish" decision to adopt. They will LOVE and EMBRACE in ways you would have never expected, they will wow you with their love and compassion for their new siblings and their desire to help them grow and learn.

Do not internalize any of what you hear from bitter people, be it trolls, clueless family members, or regretful adoptive families.

You will hear it a lot, especially from the Internet trolls, how horrible it is to break birth order, do your research, but don't internalize what they are saying. Age is just a number and bringing home a 10 1/2 year old who is significantly delayed will not disrupt birth order for any of your children. Adopting an older significantly delayed child will have her slide right in as the baby of the family, regardless of birth date. I can assure you that none of your children will feel threatened by the number that says she's oldest, because they will very much love being her BIG brothers and sisters, even your youngest will take on a big brother role and will actually be the most important big sibling of them all, because he is who will teach her the most right now, he will play with her most appropriately for her developmental level, and he will LOVE being her BIG little brother. You will have many helping hands, utilize them, reaffirming that they are very much still in their "place" in the family. You will have one who always wants to be in charge of getting out your 10 year old's formula, measuring it out, pouring it in and helping to start the feeding pump. You'll have another who is quick to volunteer to run and grab a diaper and wipes for you. There will be fights over who gets to push their newest siblings in their strollers, because at 3, 5, 7, and 9 you have raised very strong and independent children who know they are not babies, they are so ready and so willing to dive in, all four of them, as BIG brothers and BIG sisters.

Plan for medical emergencies, regardless of whether your child appears medically fragile or not. Plan for it and rejoice if you don't need it. Do not be blindsided by your 10 year old being hospitalized for refeeding syndrome, even if she isn't "pleven small". Be willing to fight for her safety and to get the surgery she needs, because they will be reluctant to do anything with your frail foreign child at first. Show compassion when flocks of residents flood your room because they've "never seen anyone like her". Know that your long hospital stay has the potential to touch dozens of lives, so don't take offense to people coming to see her as if she were on exhibit at the zoo. It's an opportunity to share the plight of the Orphan, do so with grace.

Know that you are adopting from a country with less than stellar medical care. Do not expect to receive accurate medical diagnosis', ever. If you are adopting a special needs child, you best be planning to go into this with your eyes WIDE open, and open to almost anything. You need to be willing to roll with the punches and embrace each new diagnosis with love and compassion. There was a reason that in His perfectly orchestrated plan, that you aren't finding out about certain things until already home, trust in that.

Don't for a second regret the walk you are on or waste time idolizing every other adoption that appears to be going flawlessly, you only see a tiny glimpse of their lives. Know that everyone has a filter and they choose what gets shared and what doesn't, so what looks to be like the perfect adoption, is just a beautifully painted picture. There is grief and hard times in every adoption, whether publicly portrayed or not, no one will have walked your walk but each family walks the walk. No adoption is all rainbows and unicorns.

Don't be hard on yourself when your child pushes you away. It happens more than people ever care to talk about. He might be terrified of you. He came from a place with only female caregivers and he may not like you when he knows there is another option. He will bond quickly with this "Daddy" creature and might be perfectly content if you never came back after a day of errands. He will come out of that place with trauma, healthy and thriving, but trauma very present. Recognize that you visited him, you left for 5 months, you came back and took him away from the only life he ever knew. You brought him home, and then you vanished for 20+ days of the first month to be in the hospital with your other newly adopted child. The daddy creature was a constant, he was a new species too, he proved himself trustworthy from the very start, and he was the easy choice when deciding who his safe person would be. Have grace, know that one day he may trust you, hold onto that. Know that he may never trust you, and be okay with that too, because he does trust his Daddy, he will have a safe person, which he would have never had without you. You will continually see tiny bits of hope that really, he may not forever think you're an awful human being, hold onto those moments. Have peace in it, whatever it may be, because he does feel safe with someone which he didn't have before.

And most importantly, be thankful for the time and struggle that it took to get here because it will have taught you  a lot. Appreciate the 5 years you buried yourself in special needs adoption and advocacy because it will be invaluable in helping you to know you are not alone.  It will leave you with a friend in every corner who has dealt with something similar. It will have given you an unimaginable wealth of information and experiences to lean on. Know that the wait was not in vein, that you are as prepared as you ever could have possibly been and none of the knowledge you will be relying on is the stuff that came from the books or classes you took, it's the friendships, the followed journeys, the unconditional love witnessed in other trauma aware families that will guide you on this journey. Surround yourself in those relationships, the ones that hold their head high and recognize that they are not the victim; that this journey is not hardest on them; the ones that love with unimaginable grace; the ones that know what it's like to be in the thick of it and still striving to love as He loved; the ones that offer understanding and words of encouragement to lift you up to let you know you are not alone. But know that there will be others who you will need to learn to let their words roll right off your back because they are stuck in their own trauma. I beg you to never lose sight of something I recently read and want to share with you, it said something along the lines of this.....

You are not the victim, although you can be *a* victim in the midst; The trauma was caused to your child, your resulting trauma is secondary. Do not lose sight of who the victim is and who endured the trauma.

Keep your focus on this, that no matter how much it may hurt your heart to feel rejected, you will never be the victim, it will never be your battle, your battle is in you, and it is something that is far less than what your child is up against. Remember why you adopted and that it had nothing to do with a desire to feel reciprocal love and everything to do with willingness to love them, as unconditionally as the ones you birthed, to give them the best chance at life and that that is why you adopted.

Adoption requires a lot of thinking outside the box. Do it, and get creative to find ways to help them relax and allow you into their bubble. Live life. Delay any non emergent appointments. Get to know each other. Don't set your alarm in the morning, rest is key to maintaining sanity. Take up a caffeine habit, you'll rely on it at least for the first few weeks, especially with jet lag. Get a life, I know how introverted you are, but for your sanity, go out and leave everyone home with Daddy, he's actually pretty darn good at being a daddy, so go out to dinner with friends, join a bible study, get involved in moms groups, consider a couples bible study or class, just get out of the house at least once a week without any kids. You aren't a bad mom for it, do it to be a better mom, come home refreshed and ready to tackle whatever gets thrown your way next.

Pre-adoptive me, know that adoption of two special needs "older" children will test you more than you have ever been tested. It will try your patience and it will break you in unbelievable ways. It will break you as you face each harsh reality of how horrific life was for your children and how horrible some of their trauma responses are, but know that for each moment you are broken you and your child are both learning and growing in love, faith, and hope for what the future will hold. Know that you will have no regrets and only the utmost gratitude for every single person who helped make your adoption happen, because there is nothing more perfectly imperfect than the life you will be living, it will be horribly messy, and often smelly, but it will be your new perfect and you will have the most beautiful peace inside yourself that you have ever felt, be it in your marriage, as a parent, as a family, and in your walk with God. Know that in your future, life is good, so just take it in strides and roll with the punches.

Love,

*Disclaimer* This is a letter to myself, based my own adoption and is not to in any way meant to be construed or convincing that this is what adoption looks like for everyone, or anyone else for that matter. What is right for my family is most definitely not what's right for every other family. Both of our children received a full medical evaluation 36 hours after coming home and the decision to delay certain specialists was discussed with their pcp. Medical attention should always be sought out immediately once arriving home with your child.*