The "Scary" Older Child Adoption

In 2010,

At 6 years old,

Already considered an older, hard to place child,

She was listed for adoption.

It was listed that she was suspected to have Autism.

We watched her grow up in pictures.

Every year that passed,

Another year harder to place.

Another year in an institutional setting.

Down Syndrome.

Autism.

Eczema.

Severe Reflux.

32 LBS

10 Years old.

SCARY.

LEAP OF FAITH.

CRAZY.

DOUBT.

FEAR.

UNCERTAINTY.

But then I board a plane,

Knowing I'm in for the ride of my life,

I step foot into the orphanage,

Sick to my stomach,

and I second guess myself.

I question why no one adopted her in the 4 years she had been listed.

What was I missing?

What did I get myself into?

I panic,

But just for a moment.

I talk to staff who "know" her.

And they tell me that she doesn't like people.

That she doesn't engage.

She doesn't like to be touched.

She doesn't like to be held.

I'm told that she makes no distinguished sounds.

That she shows no emotions.

That she does not play appropriately with toys.

I'm told a lot of 

"She can't...."statements.

And then they bring her in.

And she erases every irrational fear I had.

She's scared and quiet.

She's quirky and stims.

She's not scary.

She's not violent.

She's not aggressive.

And then it happened,

She blew them away,

She showed them that she feels emotions,

That she expresses emotions,

That she loves to be loved,

and has waited 10 years to feel it.

She proved them wrong in all they had said about her.

Doesn't like touch?

Or being held?

Shows no emotions?

I think not.

Head over heels in love.

 Self Injurious?

This is what it looks like.

She hits her mouth with her knuckles.

Her knuckles are red and calloused,

But she stops as soon as you engage her in something else.

In the big picture,

It's a very minor thing to need to work on.

Did I mention that we were told that she doesn't like touch?

She seeks out hand holding, 

Her hands intertwined with mine.

She is a treasure.

A gift from God.

She is pure joy.

She is awe inspiring.

And before I know it,

That first "scary" visit is over.

And I left with a tune in my head.

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy,

But we're your family, and we love you greatly"

Oh yes,

I left the first visit feeling like I was on cloud nine,

to the point that I made up cheesy songs in my head because I'm just

HEAD OVER HEALS IN LOVE

with our "scary" older child.

And then a few minutes later,

I start to over analyze...

Was it just nervous/overstimulated laughter?

Will she still be the same child tomorrow?

And again,

Why has no one come for her in the 4 years she's been listed?

And then tomorrow comes....

And I have a feeling deep inside that we have found hidden treasure,

A diamond in the rough.

 And we consider changing her middle name to JOY.

Because she really is full of joy,

and emotions, both positive and negative.

She is opinionated and stubborn.

She may not be verbal but despite what they may think,

That does not mean she doesn't have anything to say.

This child is so ready to "wake up" and live life to it's fullest.

The second day was emotionally exhausting.

It was a huge exhale,

Sigh of relief after holding our breath for fear of the unknown,

Fears of what everything/everyone had to say about her.

Because the info/fears were all wrong.

She was anything but scary.

That's not to say that she doesn't have huge obstacles to overcome.

You need to go into any adoption expecting the absolute worst,

And praying for the absolute best.

She blew me away by her resilience,

Her drive and determination,

The hope that is still very much alive in her.

That after 10 years,

She hadn't given up.

But she struggles.

No matter the quality of care received in an orphanage,

It will never be home,

It will never be love,

It will never be family.

There is a void.

And it needs filled.

So she finds a way by filling it herself.

She stim,

She uses self stimulating behaviors to fill the emptiness.

She's quirky,

There is no doubt about it.

I don't want to paint a picture that is inaccurate.

She flaps her hands and punches herself in the face,

She grinds her teeth and makes very strange noises,

She sticks her fingers up her nose and flaps them while making noises to listen to the change in sound.

She blows bubbles with her spit,

She blows raspberries on your arm,

She spits and she swallows air when she's nervous.

She does it to fill a void,

An emptiness.

The stimming will fade with time,

But some of them may never fully disappear.

After 2 days of visits,

Her stimming had already drastically decreased.

Can you believe she's TEN?

Her eye contact is amazing,

At least to someone who prepared for the very worst.

It's not her preference,

But when she does make eye contact,

It feels like she is staring deep into my soul.

There is nothing more melodious to a mama's heart

Than to hear caregivers and other staff say they see a noticeable difference in her.

To know that they see that, yes she can be and do more,

That she does have feelings.

That she is worthy.

And most important that she is loved.

Poor sweet girl has horribly severe reflux that has been left untreated,

She tries so hard to keep it in her mouth so she can re-swallow it. It's heartbreaking.

The 'lovely' fingers in the nose stim

Not to lull anyone into a false reality,

Her joy and love of life does not mean it will be easy.

Scary and Hard are two very different words.

There is nothing scary about this little girl,

But life with her will be hard.

She has been in the same orphanage her entire life,

She will be taken from the only home she's ever known,

And she will learn a new, likely overwhelming, very different, normal.

She will likely grieve the loss of what was her normal,

And she will struggle to adjust.

She has trauma to heal from.

It will be a process that lasts a lifetime.

She will have to learn trust,

And what it means to be safe and loved.

She will have to learn to let herself attach to us.

And none of it will be easy.

But all of it will be worth it.

I look at her and I see hope.

I see a long road ahead of us.

I see a child that is so very worth it.

I see a journey that may be hard.

But I do not see anything scary.

Not at all.

She's amazing.

She spent 4 years on the registry because she was waitiing for us.

In His perfect timing.

The scariest part of older child adoption has been overcoming our own fears.